Am I too kind for kink?
Kink is a very big part of my life. I’ve never denied this. While I wouldn’t say it occupies a large portion of my day (that would be my job), it does play a huge role in my relationships. I want it in my life. I volunteer when I can and even organize parties for others where I often am too busy to even think about playing. I’m not complaining mind you, just stating a fact.
One thing though that I’ve never been able to do is hit the person that I love. I cannot and will not hit out of anger nor have I been able to hit very hard even out of love. I just can’t do it. I don’t like to cause pain to the ones I love. People that I don’t love however, that is a different story. I can do it out of fun and just go nuts. I can hurt people, I just have to have no emotional connection to them. This has created some friction with primary partners.
There was one time, I was furious at something (I cannot remember what). I wanted to hit something. My partner at the time chose to put an implement in my hand and said I should “take it out on her”. I couldn’t. I don’t want to hit anything out of anger, even if it would help and the “target” desires it. I want to hit out of fun. I want to be kind.
Truthfully, with those I love, I want to be sensual. I want to tickle. I want to drip wax. I want to shock them. I want to tie them up and vibrate them to orgasm. I just don’t want to hit them either with my hands or a toy very hard. I’ve tried to do it. I can with time do this for my partner. I do feel badly afterward, but it is offset by the knowledge that they are “asking for it”. They want me to hurt them. I want to please those whom I am in a relationship with.
I think this all stems from normal male conditioning in the post-feminist era. You don’t strike a woman for any reason. This rule is usually reserved for partners. Therefore, even with a toy in hand, if I had to quantify it, I can barely go over 40% power. If I hit harder I start feeling bad. Even a deserved spanking I still think I “go easy” on them.
Does anyone have any suggestions how I might get past this block? I want to make those that I love happy, but my body just won’t let me do it. All I want to be is kind.